Fiona Gerard's eyes popped open. It didn't take more than a millisecond for her to remember.  To remember a lot of things.  Every muscle in her body ached. Some of them from combat the night before, more of them from sexual satiation.

She turned her head to see Cayden sprawled across the bed, face down, still deeply asleep. His arm was hooked over her stomach.  She stared at him, trying to figure him out. Totally mule-headed, he'd entwined himself in her life. She wasn't entirely sure she was happy about it.  Oh, not because of him, entirely because of herself.

She wasn't used to people having 'relationships.' Out of nine uncles and four aunts in Amber, a grand total of one of them was in a 'relationship.'  It was pretty much the same for the Courts. There might be political marriages there, but none she could think of involved actual love. So she'd come to expect passion and love in short, punctuated dosages. Don't let your heart get involved, it isn't for you, had been the philosophy she'd learned.

Besides, he wasn't ... All right, he wasn't a normal Shadow-dweller. He had power and his friends were mostly non-normal and aware of things on a level most Shadow dwellers never 'got.'  Still, he didn't, couldn't, understand the complexities of her family politics. Hell, she didn't understand them, or even want to deal with them, which was evident by the fact she'd been avoiding Trump contact for more than a week now.

And then there was the fact that one of his friends had nearly been killed tonight. Despite having gotten reassurances that Prince Carmine would survive, even if his injuries had been pretty horrific, she felt a stab of guilt and dismay. Really. These people had their own problems, they didn't need to take on hers. Especially when even she didn't understand hers.

Speaking of which.... Perhaps Cayden was right, it was about the ring. But that didn't make much sense since she'd only gotten the ring AFTER the attacks on her began.  She frowned. Well, strictly speaking that might not be true. She had no idea when her playmate had left the ring for her.  It could have been there for many years, or just for the past year, or.. it could have been left only days before the attacks began.  She bit her lip, wishing she knew how to find out when the ring was left there. But she had no idea how to find her childhood friend. Well, she could, she supposed, go to Amber City and ask around. Ask if anyone even knew him. It had been a very long time though, and he'd been old then, so who knew if he was even still alive... Well, at least she'd get a good meal at Bloody Bob's or whoever's name was on it now. She grinned, and suddenly saw Cayden's eyes were open.

"Hullo," she said, suddenly feeling shy, which was silly after the night before.

"Hi."

"Uhm, you okay?"

"What's wrong?"

"Uhm, nothing."

"You're nervous as a cat and and your aura says you're uncomfortable."

"Uhm, I suppose I am. Last night was... different for me."

"Ah, it all makes sense now.  You prefer women."

She grinned. "You guessed. Does that show in my aura too?"

He nodded.  "It's all the pink.  Very little blue at all."

"Ah. So, I'm thinking about going home."

"I'm thinking not," he said equably.  "Regardless, you're safer here."

She frowned. "I wasn't asking permission."

"I wasn't offering any."

"I don't mean to the loft, I mean to Amber."

"I enjoy travel, but only on a full stomach.  Henry will have breakfast on the table in twenty minutes.  The coffee's already made," he added as he rolled out of her bed and flashed himself clean and dressed.  He cocked an eyebrow at her.  "You truly are delectable and if you're dining like that I get to lick the crumbs off your breasts."

"Brat. I'm going to get a shower and get dressed. I'll meet you down there, all right?"

"Spoilsport," he teased and left her to her ablutions.

------------

Everyone, including Lynne and Ash were at the breakfast table already when Fiona walked in. She gaped at Sal who winked at her and grinned.

"Good morning, Fiona," Lynne said. "Prince Carmine wished me particularly to tell you that he will be fine."

"Oh," Fiona replied, coloring, as she took her seat.

Ash lifted his eyes from the newspaper.  "Carmine enjoys a good fight."

"Yes, well, I'm still... I wished to say farewell and thank you to you all. I'm going to go home today. I need to try to understand who is behind all of this, and the only way I can find that out is to go there."  Fiona was looking at the coffee she'd poured rather than at anyone else.

Cayden put a plate in front of her and resumed his seat.  "So I'll be gone for a few days, boss."

Buffy watched as Fiona stared down at the plate now in front of her.  Finally she said, "No problem for me, boss. The big lug could use a few days off."

"Lug?" Ash repeated. He shook his head. 

Cayden just poured more coffee in his cup.  "Do I need to pack?"

Fiona looked like she wanted to say something but being in front of everyone made her keep her mouth shut, or at least full of breakfast.

"How long will you be gone?" Sal asked, looking concerned.

"Not long," Fiona replied, between bites.

"Will it be dangerous?" Lynne asked.

Fiona looked up, startled at that.  She frowned, swallowed then said, "A little."

"It's a good thing, then, that Cayden is going with you," Lynne said as she shifted Anders from one arm to the other.

Fiona's mouth opened but she closed it with a snap instead of saying something.

"She thinks she's invincible and it's her obligation to protect us from ourselves," Cayden offered.  "So it's likely the words she's choking on are something along the lines of 'it's not a good thing at all.'"

"Do you believe that?" Lynne asked.

Fiona shot a glare at Cayden. "No, of course not. But I'd rather my family knew as little about me and my friends as possible. And I doubt I can avoid all of them while I'm in Amber. And," she added, after a moment, "I might be ordered to stay. Or.. or worse."

"See, protecting us.  But," Cayden continued as he wiped his mouth, "I can always take those few days off Buff's giving me in the Poconos."

"Yes, why don't you? I'll let you know when I'm back," Fiona said, looking at him.

He considered her for the space of several heart beats.  Then he put his napkin on the table and stood up, his eyes glittering.  "You do that," he said and left the room. 

"Fiona, is it that hard to accept help?" Lynne asked softly.  "It is offered to you freely. No strings."

Fiona's chin came up. "I'd rather he be alive and mad at me than... It isn't that I think I'm invincible. I know full well I'm not, and I'm terrified. But... But Cayden doesn't know what to expect, so it'd be better if he doesn't go," Fiona added, miserably.

Ash folded his paper and stood.  "No one ever knows what to expect when they go into a fight, Fiona.  Thinking you do will get you killed."  He took Anders from Lynne.  "Fifteen minutes to the whistle, children."  He dropped a kiss on Lynne's hair and left, tickling his son into squeals as he did so.

Fiona pushed her plate away and stood. "Thank you for everything, Lynne. I truly appreciate it."

"Then please, ask Cayden to go with you," Lynne replied.  "Please."

"I doubt he'll want to now," Fiona replied. "But I promise I will ask him."

"That might be a tad difficult," Damon said.

"Oh, well, then tell him I said goodbye," Fiona said and headed toward the door.

Damon's eyes narrowed  "You really are amazing."

She stopped, turning toward him. "Why? Because I don't want to see him involved with my family?  Trust me, they are bastards all."

"No, because you think so little of him, you've already got him beaten.  But don't let me stop you.  If you think that, he really is better off without you."  Damon shook his head.

Fiona turned and hurried out and ran up the stairs toward her room. No, that wasn't it at all. Surely Cayden didn't think that.. And now it was too late, he'd left and she wouldn't have a chance to tell him. She truly was an idiot. "Should have explained," she muttered angrily to herself, as she let herself into her room.  She packed the few things she had with her, made sure she had her Trumps and looked around the room. She didn't believe she'd be back.

"Fiona?" said a male voice as the door opened after a short sharp knock.

She looked up to see Sal, who said, "Be careful. I wish you'd let me go along."

"Sorry. Hold down the fort at Ariadne's. I won't be gone longer than a week. If I am, I won't be back at all. There's paperwork in the safe leaving the place to you.  Use it if I don't come back."  Fiona held out her hand and cupped his cheek.   "Thanks for everything." 

She looked down at a trump she held in her hand, concentrated and the smell of the sea suddenly fill the room. Sal saw a busy seaport scene come to life in front of her. She glanced back at Sal, then stepped through and was gone.

------------------

Death Alley hadn't changed much, Fiona noted. There were still grizzly looking seamen or mercenaries hanging around waiting for trouble. Several gave her a look that made her growl under her breath. She really, seriously, wished someone would try something. She had a lust at the moment for blood.

She'd messed up with Cayden and was now actively turning her guilt into fury. When no one did mess with her, she headed for the stairs that lead down the rocky cliff-face to the shore and the sea itself.

Once her uncles Corwin and Bleys had fought their way up these rickety stairs in an effort to take Amber for themselves. The fact they'd actually fought up to the top amazed her. Anyone with sense would see it was hopeless. But then if anything, her family seemed to be mostly devoid of it, herself being a perfect example. She sighed and hurried down the stairs, the memories of that bloody history with her at every step. She could almost smell the blood and hear the ring of swords. How many Shadow warriors had died in the service of her family as they'd fought one another across the ages and across realities. She paused, closed her eyes, and did her best to block out the thoughts and erase the futile cast that currently was coloring her every thought.

She cursed. Why hadn't she just let Cayden come with her?  Because, she answered herself, you don't want him to know what you are.

She resumed her way down the stairs, reaching the part that was actually carved into the living rock of Kolvir itself. One more turn. There.

There was a ledge that stuck out a little beyond the stairway. Before she stepped out onto it she looked around.  It was almost dusk. Most sensible people had gone home by now. The wind blew fiercely off the roiling sea, promising a storm very soon now. No, no one was around to see her. She stepped out onto the the ledge and ducked down. She was nearly too big to fit into the cave entrance now. She had to crawl on hands and knees, and actually flatten herself against the floor of the cave to make it into the black-as-night entry. Once she was in there she took a deep breath. It still smelled the same. Wet rock, the slight smell of seaweed, an overlay of something she'd never managed to name. The sound of the surf far below echoed up to her where she stood in the pitch darkness.

She reached into her pocket and extracted a small flashlight. So many normal things refused to work here in Amber, she'd been surprised when she'd discovered an LED flashlight did.  Gunpowder, batteries, so many other things, normal electric light, cell phones, none of those things worked here. But for some reason an LED did. She switched it on.

She headed straight to the rock near the back of the small cave, and set the flashlight down. She grasped the rock and shoved it sideways with all her strength. It didn't want to move at first, but finally it rolled.

She picked up her flashlight and let herself into the passageway the rock had been concealing.

There were stories, rumors, whatever, that these caves all connected to the caves beneath the castle itself. Fiona let her feet take her along the much remembered path. Even, it was said, to the cavern where the Pattern itself lay. Then finally she found the entrance to the right cave. Two turnings and it brightened.  It opened up to the sea, giving a view that had seemed to stretch across the universe, at least so she'd thought when she was young and lonely and dreaming of a life far different from the one she'd been living.

Everything was as she'd left it the last time. She moved a bit of slate revealing the small cavity where her cigar box with all her treasures sat waiting for her. This was where she'd found the ring she now wore and couldn't remove. This time she found a note.

The Trump contact came before she could read it, big and demanding and since she was so close, hard to ignore. This time she let it reach her. It was her father. He regarded her a moment, then the background of the cave behind her.

"We've all been trying to reach you. Where have you been?" His voice was gravelly and short. He wasn't much on social niceties.

"Around. What's up?" Fiona asked brightly trying to sound insouciant, as opposed to worried.

"Can you meet me? Not in the castle."

"Bloody Joe's?" she suggested.

"I think it's Bloody Henry's now. But fine. When?"

"An hour?" she suggested. 

"Fine," he replied and passed a hand across the card ending their contact.

So like her father. Not a word about how good to see her, not even a hello.

An hour later he was sitting across from her in Bloody Mike's. Yeah, the proprietor had been stabbed again. Such was Death Alley. Fiona was just glad it wasn't the cook who kept getting offed as the fish was as great as ever. Gerard apparently concurred as he was busy shoveling the food in.

She regarded her father. A big guy. BIG guy. She felt minuscule sitting opposite him. She wondered what her mother had thought of him. She'd never said a word to Fiona about who her father had been, or what he was like. Now Fiona would never know if her mother had been furious to have gotten knocked-up, or if she'd thought she'd loved this big bull of a man.

Once Gerard had washed his food down with a second mug of ale, Fiona sat back and regarded him placidly. It wasn't how she felt, but with the Amberites, you were far better masking any feelings you had if you didn't want a lecture on whatever your expression might reveal about you.

"Where did you get that ring?" Gerard asked, nodding at her hand.

"A gift," she replied.

"Do you know what it is?" Gerard asked.

"Not through any education you lot gave me, but yes, I've got a pretty good idea of what it is."

"People don't get them as gifts," Gerard replied ignoring her pique.

"What, you think I stole it?" Fiona ground her teeth together rather than retort with more emotional garbage.

"I think you came by it purposefully. I'm just not certain who might have picked you out for whatever charge came with it," he replied mildly, waving for another ale.

Everyone in the place was watching them, even as they pretended they weren't. Gerard was well known on the waterfront, being the guy who defended Amber's sea approaches. No one, so far as Fiona knew, remembered her. She'd changed a lot since she'd been one of the filthy urchins playing in the streets here.

"I can't get it off." Fiona couldn't believe she'd confessed that to him.

He nodded. "Figures. Powerful objects, especially something as powerful as your ring, have minds of their own."  He paused, then added, "Avoid Random. He wants you to come home and stay here.  I know he's been trying to contact you via trump. If you want to remain free, I'd not answer his calls."

"Thanks for the advice," she replied, wincing at the accusatory tone of it.

"Fiona, I've told you before. I never knew about you. Had I known..."

"Yes, you've said. And frankly, I'm happy about not being a part of your lot."

He looked up and met her eyes then, cocking his head to one side. "Have you been attacked in Shadow?"

She thought about lying but then just nodded. "Several times. Getting worse and more frequent."

Gerard nodded. "There's another stain on the primal pattern. We're trying to figure out who did it and why."

"Well, it wasn't me!" Fiona hissed.

"Didn't think it was. But, as much as you like to pretend you aren't anybody, you're one of the primary suspects. You're hostile to us, you're powerful, even your Aunt Fiona tells me you could, one day, rival her in power."

Fiona gaped at him. "That's ... stupid."

Gerard shrugged. "Don't know about that. Just know that's what she and Random have both said. So, keep your head down, and if you need help I'll be there. Otherwise, stay lost in Shadow."  He fished into his pocket and dropped a wad of bills on the table to pay for dinner, then stood. "It's good to see you. I needed to know you are all right."  He turned on his heel and walked away.

------------------

It was a week and a half before Cayden's cell phone rang.

Fiona had been back for hours. She'd showered, reassured Sal, and then sat and stared at a blank wall trying to work up the courage to phone him.

"Hello?" he said, rebuilding the block tower for Anders with one hand.  It was the baby's favorite game these days.  Someone stacked his blocks and then held him while he screeched in glee as he waved his arms and knocked them down.  The kid wasn't even six months old yet and already he was Mr. Destructo.  It was obviously genetic.

"Hi. I'm sorry."

"Ah, you're back.  Unscathed?"

"More or less. You missed a good meal at Bloody Henry's but other than that, not many tourist moments worth talking about."

"Yeah well, it's the off season."  Cayden handed the baby to Henry.  "He needs changing too.  Sorry."

"How was the Poconos?"

"Green and hilly and silent.  But it's the off season there too."

"Ah. Listen, can I buy you a drink?" she asked, doubtfully. "Or would you rather I just went away."

"That depends, Fiona."

She closed her eyes. "On?"

"On you."

She sighed. "I'm lousy at this, I admit.  You know, I'd rather face down 100 slathering shadow creatures than .. I wouldn't put up with me either."

"Don't Fiona.  Don't even go there.  This isn't about that. We either deal with the objective problem here and now or..."  He sighed.  "Because I'm not doing this again.  I'm not having the argument with you again and I'm not living for days on end with my guts crawling with terror over what might be happening to you.  I'm not going to be compartmentalized.  If all you want is to be able to have a few laughs and a few drinks and good sex and then put me away somewhere until you're done living your real life then tell me now and I'll say good bye and hang up.  Because I mean it.  I'm not doing this again."

"I... I don't want to say good bye."

"The choice is yours, angel."

"Cayden, please. I don't know how to trust. It is.. frightening."

He ached for her.  "It gets easier with practice.  But if there's going to be anything between us worth having it has to start somewhere."

Tears escaped her. "How. How does it start. Can you teach me how it starts?"

"You look at all the evidence and ask yourself what it tells you.  Then, you make the leap of faith, angel.  You take the step off the cliff.  You act as if."

"All right. Will you trust me one more time?"

"Depends on what it is, baby."

"That I won't go off on my own again."

"Don't tell me that unless you mean it."

"I mean it, I promise."

"Then I'd be happy to let you buy me a drink."

She let out the breath she'd been holding. "Good. Hope to see you soon."

"Trust me, you will."